01/10/2016

Do we talk about it? Do I have to make an excuse and apologise again? I probably should or I should at least acknowledge the situation. That works too. I am unreliable. Most of things I say I'll do, I don't. You can take this years VEDA as an example. I started by describing it as my attempt at VEDA. I use the word attempt because I know me and I knew how unlikely it was that I could make it past day three. So it makes sense that I haven't posted on here for nearly two months.

I can't say I have a point to make right now so this is just me rambling. But I guess there are a few things I'd like to say. 

Warning: I'm going to talk about being depressed again. Skip to the end if you've heard this one before. I really like writing and making videos (for the short time I did). When I stopped doing that, it was because I wasn't happy in life. I wasn't really anything. And I'm still not. I stopped writing because I didn't have the motivation anymore. Things seem kind of pointless when you're in a depression week/month/ two months/ a year/ generally in life. I can't say that I don't still feel that way but I think I realise now that I like writing and I like making videos. Why would I not be doing those things if I like them? It doesn't actually make sense. 

This must be depressing to read so here's a picture of my dog sleeping
 to lighten the mood.

I'm still scared of all of this. To be honest, I think the number one most discussed topic on here is the fact I'm terrified of being here. Every single time I think about posting I let that stop me. And it will stop me. Maybe today. Maybe next week. Maybe in a year from now. As I mentioned, I'm unreliable. (And I am not good at convincing people to come back here.) 

What's changed today is that I read a comment from someone on my last post (also realised there are two others I haven't responded to and I feel bad about that) which I wasn't expecting. I guess I forget that even when I'm not here, all the things I've said still are. Comments always make me feel better and if we're being honest, I needed that right now. 

Three weeks ago I started college. I like it a lot. But I hate it just as much. There is something about my brain that convinces me I am incapable of lots of things. I don't think I can have friends. It sounds crazy but I don't know how to be someones friend or exist in a group of people. It hurts because that's all I want. And it sounds desperate. And it is. 

This is not what I was expecting to write. I was going to talk about how I love my label maker and Halloween but here we are. I think I should leave it there. Mostly because I should be writing my assignment right now but lets not mention that one again.
This feels like a new chapter. One that is equally unreliable as the last and incredibly mediocre to read but a new one all the same. Thank you if you read this mess of a blog post. I have no idea what I'm doing but we're rolling with it. 

A Few of My Favourite Things

For VEDA today I decided to make a video of a few of the things I've loved recently. It would mean a lot to me if you could check it out. But for now I thought I'd talk about a couple of the things mentioned in the video.

Now

Now. How do we do this? Through my 3am tears I'll try to explain. 

Depression appears in waves. And when the waves arrives it floods. I have no reason to feel the way I do. No logic. On the outside it seems as if I'm doing better than I have in a long time. But I always hide. I don't like to show how I feel because I don't want people to worry. I guess that's why I'm writing this. As a way of actually sharing. 

I'm not okay right now. It'll pass but right now I'm not okay. That's why sometimes I leave for a while and I don't post because I can't face it. I worry that I will go away again and not post for months. But so far, I've always come back.

The point of writing this was to tell you that right now I can't find the words to say. There's nothing I want to write about but I don't want to stop posting all together. School is slowly killing me but it'll be over in around ten weeks. Maybe then I'll feel more like I can talk because my mind won't be full of the things that happened that day. So if I'm gone for a few weeks, now you know why and maybe I won't feel so bad about it.

February 14th 2016

Over the years I've heard the whole book of single Valentines jokes. And every year I've laughed and thought oh it's that so #relatable which is fine. In reality being single on Valentines Day is not something which bothers me. So if you were here to read the beautiful story of how I found someone to spend my day with you'd be incorrect. But it was my dad's birthday so I still had a good day.  

I am delighted to say that you have received this email

I'm only just getting back into blogging so I thought I post again just talking about what's going on and how I'm feeling. Regular posts will be back soon, maybe. 

A few days ago I went back to school. And I must say if there's anything to drain the life from me, it's the education system. But luckily, that same day I received an email to say I'd been given a conditional offer at college. (I have to get certain GCSE grades to go there but if I get them, I'll have a place.) To be honest, I don't know how it works. I sent in an online application and apparently that's enough. So I'm pretty happy.

Nothing like a Conditional offer to cram the motivation down your throat. I'm not sure if I will go there. I have an interview at another college next week so... options I guess. But I now feel like I want to work hard to do well. I've been stuck recently because of my situation at school but now I don't want it to stand in the way. 

That's all for now, hope to see you next time. Bye

Motivation Wednesday is A Terrible Name

In my last post I outlined the struggles I've faced in the past few years and it helped me realise I need help. Not from therapists or doctors I've had enough of those. I need to help myself. That is why I've made the decision to be healthy mentally and physically. I know it's two in the morning so my brain is a little muddled but I think day time Erin will agree with me. I don't believe that you can just decide to be happy one day but you can decide to be healthy. Or at least try to be and that's what I plan to do. 

September Sunsets and My School Experience

Yesterday was just so great. I saw three friends of mine. Two of which I had lost touch with and not seen for a year. I'd like to talk about my thoughts on the day. How it made me super happy but also confused and kind of sad. But to do that, I'll need to explain a little more so first lets talk about my experience with school.

Isle of Man 2015

On Sunday the 9th of August my mum and I drove down to Heysham to get the ferry to the Isle of Man. Driving there was quite stressful because we were scarily close to missing the boat and my brother and dad were supposed to be coming with us but couldn't in the end. But we did get there, the boat didn't sink, and the dog wasn't seasick so all was good . Today I thought I would show you some of the pictures I took while we were there. 

It was a very grey day but this is the Isle of Man as we were getting closer on the boat there.

Market Bosworth: Getting Lost in a Good Way

This time last week I was driving down to Market Bosworth to stay for two nights at the Bosworth Hall hotel. It was a pretty amazing place and I had a great time. I'd never heard of Market Bosworth before so my mum and I spent most of the time looking around the town and getting lost. Today I thought I'd share the pictures I took while there. They're not great but that doesn't matter I guess.

This is one of the doors into the hotel. It's a very big place and the rooms at the front, here, are mostly  big halls for weddings, and the kitchens. 

July Favourites

I'd first of all like to apologise for missing my Friday and Sunday post last week. I know that I've only just started the new schedule and I'm already not sticking to it but I was busy. And I also had one of those moments of fear when I was convinced people I know will read my blog which if you've been here before, you'll have heard me mention. But it's fine now and I decided to keep going with my July favourites.

Comic Con and Clothes Haul

In the past month I have collected most of what I bought from various places and decided to show you in a big haul. Honestly, I don't think this is everything but I can't remember what's new because it all feels like so long ago. A lot of the clothes we're bought by my mum or grandma and the everything else was bought by me because I have a job now which is great. If I can remember I will put the price of everything but I wouldn't count on that. Anyway, here is what I got:

Summer To Do List part 3

Lets pretend that the reason I missed my weekday post was because I've been super busy doing important things. And lets pretend I haven't been spending every day watching The Fosters and every night crying over Jonnor. No of course that didn't happen. Today I got away from those really important things I was doing and thought I'd share with you the final part of my Summer To Do List. You can see part 2 here.

My terrible picture of the pink sky

June Favourites

I know, I know. It's late but I was excited about all the other posts I had planned and just never got round to doing a favourites. There are quite a few favourites this month, especially TV and films so lets get started.

Favourite Films:

Super 8. This easily became one of my favourites films. There isn't anything I didn't love about it and would definitely recommend it. For me, the friendship between the group of boys the film is based around made is so real and beautiful in a way I've not seen in a film before.

Men, Women and Children. I didn't know much about this film but I had heard quite a lot of good things about it and rightly so. I tend to get emotional invested in any film, book, or TV show but this was different. It felt as if I were switching from understanding one character to then understanding another. Each person seemed believable and no one was romanticized for the audience to like them more. This made the film better because it was like real people with real lives. 

Serenity. Obviously you have to watch Firefly first or it isn't as good. But oh boy is this film good. Anything I want to say will give stuff away so I won't say anything, just watch it.

 Favourite TV shows:

Firefly. Watch this before Serenity.

Pretty Little Liars. It started again and it's not long left till we find out who A is (I think). I've been enjoying the new series so far. Only problem is that we need more Ezra please. 

Orange Is The New Black. I waited very patiently for the new series of this show and it certainly did not take me long to watch it. Something that happened about half way through the series really upset me which ruined the rest a little but it was still very good. 

Songs:

Hopeful By Owen will never shut up

This Is Gospel cover by Bethan Leadley

Fallout Shelter

I don't know why I got obsessed with this game in June but I did and still slightly am.

Hope you enjoyed my late June favourites. Comment below if you've liked some of the same things in June or July or any month. That's all for now, hope to see you next time. Bye

8 Photos of Happiness

Last week I was tagged by the completely amazing Lou's World to do the eight photos of happiness tag. You can her post here which is great and you should definitely check it out. The tag was created by Ariel who also has wonderful blog.

 The rules of this tag are:

Thank your nominator and link them in the post
Link the creator Ariel
Post 8 photos of happiness (the photos can be anything that represents a moment, object, place or feeling that makes you happy)
Pop in a brief description of the photo, why you chose it or let the photos do the talking!
Spread the happiness and tag up to ten other bloggers!


This post is a little strange for me because I've never shown a picture of myself on this blog before so I'm a little nervous. Before I felt I could deny that this blog is mine if someone I know were to find it but now I can't so never mind. I think it'll be better that way. When looking through them, I noticed that my hair is straight all the time but in reality it is a big, curly mess which is misleading but great for me. I guess that's all I needed to say so lets look at the pictures.

Summer To Do List part 2

It seems like I'm only ever going to write these posts when I'm sat outside in the sun. That isn't something I do often and I've been making it look that way. I think it's just because I begin to get excited about summer (despite it being ridiculously hot right now. I feel like I may burn to death). If you'd like to see my first Summer To Do List you can click here. I think this will be in three parts so hopefully the next will also be soon. But until then I hope you enjoy my summer to do list part 2. 

Eddie just casually acting like I wasn't about to sit there

All I Know Now Book Review

About a week ago I wrote a post about Carrie Hope Fletcher (which you can see here) and so today I decided I should write a review of her book. I'm quite a slow reader and All I Know Now only took about 10 days to read which is good, for me. And I found the whole book to be inspiring and one that I could just read over and over again.

An Awkward Question: MakeUp

My last An Awkward Question post was about YouTube and I'd like to thank those of you who gave advice, it was very helpful. So today I thought I'd write another. If you don't know what An Awkward Question is, it is a blogging series I just started where I take a question or dilemma I have and ask you for your opinion. Most of things in this series will not normally be considered to be awkward but because I have a strange brain that struggles to understand most aspects of human life, I think that it is. My second awkward question of the series is: How do I start wearing makeup?

Carrie Hope Fletcher

When I was around 12, I found Carrie Fletcher (Its Way Past My Bedtime) on YouTube. It was about 11pm and I had been watching Danisnotonfire when I saw a video he made with Carrie. I instantly knew who she was because a friend of mine had said she watched her channel. At first I thought I'll just watch one video but I think we all know that on YouTube that sentence is laughed at  frequently. Needless to say, I was awake till stupidly late watching all of Carrie's videos. I've always found I could relate to her in one way or the other. Back then I think it was because we both have curly hair, and my brother is also in a band (not a famous one, obviously. And to be honest I've never actually heard them before so they could be terrible but that isn't the point). Now I've come to find many more reasons that I find Carrie Fletcher so inspirational.

May Favourites

If I'm honest, I feel like May was over in the space of a week. Which is why this months favourites are going to be a little different. I don't feel like enough happened during May for me have the usually type of favourites post but I guess that doesn't really matter. So here are my May favourites for 2015:

Charity Shop Haul

Over the past month I have been very lucky because almost every time I go into a charity shop I see books that are on my list to buy. This is great because they're super cheap especially compared to the price you'd pay in a book shop. So today I thought I'd share with you some of the things I've bought from Charity shops recently.