01/10/2016

Do we talk about it? Do I have to make an excuse and apologise again? I probably should or I should at least acknowledge the situation. That works too. I am unreliable. Most of things I say I'll do, I don't. You can take this years VEDA as an example. I started by describing it as my attempt at VEDA. I use the word attempt because I know me and I knew how unlikely it was that I could make it past day three. So it makes sense that I haven't posted on here for nearly two months.

I can't say I have a point to make right now so this is just me rambling. But I guess there are a few things I'd like to say. 

Warning: I'm going to talk about being depressed again. Skip to the end if you've heard this one before. I really like writing and making videos (for the short time I did). When I stopped doing that, it was because I wasn't happy in life. I wasn't really anything. And I'm still not. I stopped writing because I didn't have the motivation anymore. Things seem kind of pointless when you're in a depression week/month/ two months/ a year/ generally in life. I can't say that I don't still feel that way but I think I realise now that I like writing and I like making videos. Why would I not be doing those things if I like them? It doesn't actually make sense. 

This must be depressing to read so here's a picture of my dog sleeping
 to lighten the mood.

I'm still scared of all of this. To be honest, I think the number one most discussed topic on here is the fact I'm terrified of being here. Every single time I think about posting I let that stop me. And it will stop me. Maybe today. Maybe next week. Maybe in a year from now. As I mentioned, I'm unreliable. (And I am not good at convincing people to come back here.) 

What's changed today is that I read a comment from someone on my last post (also realised there are two others I haven't responded to and I feel bad about that) which I wasn't expecting. I guess I forget that even when I'm not here, all the things I've said still are. Comments always make me feel better and if we're being honest, I needed that right now. 

Three weeks ago I started college. I like it a lot. But I hate it just as much. There is something about my brain that convinces me I am incapable of lots of things. I don't think I can have friends. It sounds crazy but I don't know how to be someones friend or exist in a group of people. It hurts because that's all I want. And it sounds desperate. And it is. 

This is not what I was expecting to write. I was going to talk about how I love my label maker and Halloween but here we are. I think I should leave it there. Mostly because I should be writing my assignment right now but lets not mention that one again.
This feels like a new chapter. One that is equally unreliable as the last and incredibly mediocre to read but a new one all the same. Thank you if you read this mess of a blog post. I have no idea what I'm doing but we're rolling with it. 

September Sunsets and My School Experience

Yesterday was just so great. I saw three friends of mine. Two of which I had lost touch with and not seen for a year. I'd like to talk about my thoughts on the day. How it made me super happy but also confused and kind of sad. But to do that, I'll need to explain a little more so first lets talk about my experience with school.

Dealing with Anxiety in School

My school experience has been pretty different to most people so when it comes to advice on school related issues, I'm not the best. But one thing I do know a whole lot about is anxiety. I'm probably anxious about 95% of the time and in school it gets much worse. So today I thought I'd share with you some of the things I do to reduce anxiety about and in school. 

Erin Writes #4 The Fosters

Just when you thought I would stop talking about The Fosters, I come back with a whole post about it. But this isn't going to be me talking about how great the show is or the fact that I ship Jonnor like there's no tomorrow. This is, finally, another Erin Writes post. I made this series when I first started blogging and since then have only written three posts on it. There have been various different reasons as to why I only did three but more recently it was due to my complete lack of inspiration. I went for around two months without writing a single word for any of my books. It didn't bother me too much though until I started watching The Fosters when I realised how long it had been since I had written. 

July Favourites

I'd first of all like to apologise for missing my Friday and Sunday post last week. I know that I've only just started the new schedule and I'm already not sticking to it but I was busy. And I also had one of those moments of fear when I was convinced people I know will read my blog which if you've been here before, you'll have heard me mention. But it's fine now and I decided to keep going with my July favourites.

A Summer of Organisation

For me the summer holiday has always been a strange time. Obviously I'm happy I don't have school but it's also an excuse not to do anything. I don't go outside at all and I don't see people who aren't in my family so it becomes boring. On Wednesday I had my last CAMHS (therapy) appointment which is good but it also means I have to keep up with my "positive mood" on my own. This is why I have to be more organised than usual.

May Favourites

If I'm honest, I feel like May was over in the space of a week. Which is why this months favourites are going to be a little different. I don't feel like enough happened during May for me have the usually type of favourites post but I guess that doesn't really matter. So here are my May favourites for 2015:

It's May...When Did That Happen?

Recently my blog has felt like a constant circle of apologising and complaining. This is something I never wanted to happen. I always wanted to be completely honest on here about whats going on in my life which isn't always what people want to hear. Today I've decided to explain things and tell you some of my new ideas for The Art of Being Invisible in the future. I'm actually in a pretty good mood, which is new for me, so I'm looking forward to getting back into writing.

London 2015

I have been awful at posting recently for many different reasons. But I'm not going to go into that now because I would much rather talk about London.

So...

  It's been a tough past month... scratch that, lets say year. (Maybe lifetime... that's not important). In my head there are two types of depressed people. Those who suffer trauma in life. They can have therapy and one day be cured. Others who are born with depression waiting to hit. Me,well, I'm the latter. The one with no real reason to be sad. The one with the 'perfect' life.

I've spent a long time wishing to be someone else. Anyone really. The popular, selfie taking, too much make up wearing kind of girl. Or the outcast who's not afraid to be different. The goth with black hair, thick eyeliner and an unhealthy obsession with My Chemical Romance (pause for sad fans to wipe their tears). Literally anyone but myself. I wish people would stop telling me to love myself. I wish the endless quotes of “you're perfect” and “embrace being different” would stop. Why can't you see that I can't? I could never love me. You don't have that emotion, you teach it. Now, I've been doing a fairly good job of teaching myself maths and history but I can't do this. But why? Why am I the screw up? The train wreck of the family or friendship group. I've lost everything (despite seeming so...whole on the outside) and I've fallen so many times. It hurts to be alive. It hurts to see this body, think these thoughts, hear this voice that I've hated, always. They don't change like the world around me does. So why am I expected to learn to love all of that? Why do I have to tolerate all of these things and embrace them as if it's something I'm proud of? I case you haven't noticed, I'm not.

I don't love myself, I tolerate myself. I go through the day scared of what will be in the seconds that follow. Taking each breathe as if it's my last. And wishing it to be. I don't want to die. No, the idea of death confuses and scares me for many reasons (I think I've watched to much Supernatural and now I just think no one's ever really dead. You can imagine the shock I got when Cory Monteith never came back to Glee). But living is unbearable. Honestly I have a fear. A fear of being in any kind of pain. It keeps me from dying but it keeps me from living too. So no, I won't kill myself. But I will spend every day wishing I could.

Recently I've been reading the book How To Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran and it's inspired me. I thought maybe it would change everything... and you never know, it might. But I think it's time I killed this Erin and built myself a new girl. Only trouble is, I just don't know how. How do you make you're self confident (and please let me stop you before you tell me “fake it till you make it” because I do not need to hear that broken record) and how do you brake away from this person that has been you for so long? If you were looking for the answer to this question, sorry, maybe try a Google search.

So I'm sorry I've been gone. And I'm sorry that when I have been here, it's a little disconnected. But I've been stuck... feeling hopeless and lonely until it became too much to handle. I've been crying and hurting over this sense of self hatred and regret so much that I couldn't just be okay for two seconds. And I couldn't kill myself so it felt like no one cared. Like I would only truly be heard if I did. I guess that's why so many people are accused of attention seeking, because for me it partly would be. As bad as that sounds, it's true. How do I build a new girl? How do I live in a world that won't let me? And how do I go on when this is my forever?

Depression- A Tumblr Post

I have not been good at posting recently. I missed about three opportunities in the past two weeks when I could have written but I just didn't. I don't know why. Today I won't be writing anything too big I just wanted share with you a post I found on Tumblr a few days ago about depression. 

Life Update Type Thing

Today I just wanted to give a little life update of what I've been doing and some of my plans. First I'd like talk about why missed a post on Sunday last week. It wasn't that I didn't have time to write or anything like that, it was because I didn't feel like that day I had anything thing to write about. Even though I have notebooks full of ideas for posts, I didn't feel like any of that would be as good as I'd like it to be. I was disappointed that this was first time of the year I went off schedule but I would of been more disappointed if I wrote something I didn't like. 

 On a much happier note, I'm going to see Bethan Leadley (who is Musical Bethan on YouTube) on Saturday. I've wanted to go and see her on tour since she announced it, especially when I found out Dodie Clark will be with her, but I  couldn't find any one to go with me. Then yesterday my sister said she would come (which is good but I feel weird about dragging her along when she doesn't know anything about Bethan) and I'm so excited now because I'm sure it's going to be amazing. 

 Last week I had my third CAMHS appointment. (CAMHS is the place I'll be going to for therapy sessions.) I've been there before when I first had panic attacks and it was just a really great place. This time I'll be having ITP therapy (Interpersonal Psychotherapy) which is specifically for depression and I'm quite hopeful about it. So far, I've only really been getting to know the person I'm working with and even though therapy hasn't officially started, it feels like it's already been helpful. 

 I may have mentioned in another post that I've recently been having friend problems which for a long time have really been affecting me. Now I still talk about it sometimes and I do think about it but I feel now like that isn't as important. That's been helpful for me because it's been difficult to loose a friend who, my whole life, has been there and to not have all my school friends either. It's made worse because I'm not good at talking to people and making friends so a lot of the time I've been alone. This is still a problem I have but realising I need to let go of certain people in my life has been great.

 A few days ago I was watching Supernatural (which I do every day) and it was an episode about a group of friends who film everything in their life so they're basically filming 24 hours a day. This was something I found really interesting and decided to do something similar. I won't be filming everything (also the group of people in Supernatural turned into werewolves which I don't plan on doing) but I'd like to start because one day I'd like to make YouTube videos and this will be good practice. 

 Last week I went see Into The Woods which I wasn't really impressed by. It felt like they weren't sure which way to go with the whole idea. Like there were bits I found really funny but then others that were so serious that the humor was almost inappropriate. There were three things I liked about the film: Chris Pine's song (Agony), when Rapunzel's Prince fell off the wall, and the acting from all of the cast. I've also really been enjoying Hollyoaks recently as Crazy Will is back and as bad as it probably is, he's my favourite person ever on the show. So far in my reading challenge I have finished two books and I'm close to my third which is great because I think I'll be able to complete this years challenge. You can follow that on my Good Reads page here. 

 This has been a bit of an update of what I've been doing recently. Hope you enjoyed it, I just felt like sharing some of this with you. Remember, you can follow me on Tumblr, Pinterest, and Twitter (there are links at the top of the page and the side) for more I've what I've been doing. That's all for now, hope to see you next time. Bye