So...

  It's been a tough past month... scratch that, lets say year. (Maybe lifetime... that's not important). In my head there are two types of depressed people. Those who suffer trauma in life. They can have therapy and one day be cured. Others who are born with depression waiting to hit. Me,well, I'm the latter. The one with no real reason to be sad. The one with the 'perfect' life.

I've spent a long time wishing to be someone else. Anyone really. The popular, selfie taking, too much make up wearing kind of girl. Or the outcast who's not afraid to be different. The goth with black hair, thick eyeliner and an unhealthy obsession with My Chemical Romance (pause for sad fans to wipe their tears). Literally anyone but myself. I wish people would stop telling me to love myself. I wish the endless quotes of “you're perfect” and “embrace being different” would stop. Why can't you see that I can't? I could never love me. You don't have that emotion, you teach it. Now, I've been doing a fairly good job of teaching myself maths and history but I can't do this. But why? Why am I the screw up? The train wreck of the family or friendship group. I've lost everything (despite seeming so...whole on the outside) and I've fallen so many times. It hurts to be alive. It hurts to see this body, think these thoughts, hear this voice that I've hated, always. They don't change like the world around me does. So why am I expected to learn to love all of that? Why do I have to tolerate all of these things and embrace them as if it's something I'm proud of? I case you haven't noticed, I'm not.

I don't love myself, I tolerate myself. I go through the day scared of what will be in the seconds that follow. Taking each breathe as if it's my last. And wishing it to be. I don't want to die. No, the idea of death confuses and scares me for many reasons (I think I've watched to much Supernatural and now I just think no one's ever really dead. You can imagine the shock I got when Cory Monteith never came back to Glee). But living is unbearable. Honestly I have a fear. A fear of being in any kind of pain. It keeps me from dying but it keeps me from living too. So no, I won't kill myself. But I will spend every day wishing I could.

Recently I've been reading the book How To Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran and it's inspired me. I thought maybe it would change everything... and you never know, it might. But I think it's time I killed this Erin and built myself a new girl. Only trouble is, I just don't know how. How do you make you're self confident (and please let me stop you before you tell me “fake it till you make it” because I do not need to hear that broken record) and how do you brake away from this person that has been you for so long? If you were looking for the answer to this question, sorry, maybe try a Google search.

So I'm sorry I've been gone. And I'm sorry that when I have been here, it's a little disconnected. But I've been stuck... feeling hopeless and lonely until it became too much to handle. I've been crying and hurting over this sense of self hatred and regret so much that I couldn't just be okay for two seconds. And I couldn't kill myself so it felt like no one cared. Like I would only truly be heard if I did. I guess that's why so many people are accused of attention seeking, because for me it partly would be. As bad as that sounds, it's true. How do I build a new girl? How do I live in a world that won't let me? And how do I go on when this is my forever?

February Favourites

I know that recently I haven't been posting much and what I have been posting isn't as good as I'd like it to be but today I thought I would come back with a favourites post. These are some of the types of posts I enjoy writing most and although February hasn't been the best month for me, I thought I would share with you what I did like. 

Life Update Type Thing

Today I just wanted to give a little life update of what I've been doing and some of my plans. First I'd like talk about why missed a post on Sunday last week. It wasn't that I didn't have time to write or anything like that, it was because I didn't feel like that day I had anything thing to write about. Even though I have notebooks full of ideas for posts, I didn't feel like any of that would be as good as I'd like it to be. I was disappointed that this was first time of the year I went off schedule but I would of been more disappointed if I wrote something I didn't like. 

 On a much happier note, I'm going to see Bethan Leadley (who is Musical Bethan on YouTube) on Saturday. I've wanted to go and see her on tour since she announced it, especially when I found out Dodie Clark will be with her, but I  couldn't find any one to go with me. Then yesterday my sister said she would come (which is good but I feel weird about dragging her along when she doesn't know anything about Bethan) and I'm so excited now because I'm sure it's going to be amazing. 

 Last week I had my third CAMHS appointment. (CAMHS is the place I'll be going to for therapy sessions.) I've been there before when I first had panic attacks and it was just a really great place. This time I'll be having ITP therapy (Interpersonal Psychotherapy) which is specifically for depression and I'm quite hopeful about it. So far, I've only really been getting to know the person I'm working with and even though therapy hasn't officially started, it feels like it's already been helpful. 

 I may have mentioned in another post that I've recently been having friend problems which for a long time have really been affecting me. Now I still talk about it sometimes and I do think about it but I feel now like that isn't as important. That's been helpful for me because it's been difficult to loose a friend who, my whole life, has been there and to not have all my school friends either. It's made worse because I'm not good at talking to people and making friends so a lot of the time I've been alone. This is still a problem I have but realising I need to let go of certain people in my life has been great.

 A few days ago I was watching Supernatural (which I do every day) and it was an episode about a group of friends who film everything in their life so they're basically filming 24 hours a day. This was something I found really interesting and decided to do something similar. I won't be filming everything (also the group of people in Supernatural turned into werewolves which I don't plan on doing) but I'd like to start because one day I'd like to make YouTube videos and this will be good practice. 

 Last week I went see Into The Woods which I wasn't really impressed by. It felt like they weren't sure which way to go with the whole idea. Like there were bits I found really funny but then others that were so serious that the humor was almost inappropriate. There were three things I liked about the film: Chris Pine's song (Agony), when Rapunzel's Prince fell off the wall, and the acting from all of the cast. I've also really been enjoying Hollyoaks recently as Crazy Will is back and as bad as it probably is, he's my favourite person ever on the show. So far in my reading challenge I have finished two books and I'm close to my third which is great because I think I'll be able to complete this years challenge. You can follow that on my Good Reads page here. 

 This has been a bit of an update of what I've been doing recently. Hope you enjoyed it, I just felt like sharing some of this with you. Remember, you can follow me on Tumblr, Pinterest, and Twitter (there are links at the top of the page and the side) for more I've what I've been doing. That's all for now, hope to see you next time. Bye