01/10/2016

Do we talk about it? Do I have to make an excuse and apologise again? I probably should or I should at least acknowledge the situation. That works too. I am unreliable. Most of things I say I'll do, I don't. You can take this years VEDA as an example. I started by describing it as my attempt at VEDA. I use the word attempt because I know me and I knew how unlikely it was that I could make it past day three. So it makes sense that I haven't posted on here for nearly two months.

I can't say I have a point to make right now so this is just me rambling. But I guess there are a few things I'd like to say. 

Warning: I'm going to talk about being depressed again. Skip to the end if you've heard this one before. I really like writing and making videos (for the short time I did). When I stopped doing that, it was because I wasn't happy in life. I wasn't really anything. And I'm still not. I stopped writing because I didn't have the motivation anymore. Things seem kind of pointless when you're in a depression week/month/ two months/ a year/ generally in life. I can't say that I don't still feel that way but I think I realise now that I like writing and I like making videos. Why would I not be doing those things if I like them? It doesn't actually make sense. 

This must be depressing to read so here's a picture of my dog sleeping
 to lighten the mood.

I'm still scared of all of this. To be honest, I think the number one most discussed topic on here is the fact I'm terrified of being here. Every single time I think about posting I let that stop me. And it will stop me. Maybe today. Maybe next week. Maybe in a year from now. As I mentioned, I'm unreliable. (And I am not good at convincing people to come back here.) 

What's changed today is that I read a comment from someone on my last post (also realised there are two others I haven't responded to and I feel bad about that) which I wasn't expecting. I guess I forget that even when I'm not here, all the things I've said still are. Comments always make me feel better and if we're being honest, I needed that right now. 

Three weeks ago I started college. I like it a lot. But I hate it just as much. There is something about my brain that convinces me I am incapable of lots of things. I don't think I can have friends. It sounds crazy but I don't know how to be someones friend or exist in a group of people. It hurts because that's all I want. And it sounds desperate. And it is. 

This is not what I was expecting to write. I was going to talk about how I love my label maker and Halloween but here we are. I think I should leave it there. Mostly because I should be writing my assignment right now but lets not mention that one again.
This feels like a new chapter. One that is equally unreliable as the last and incredibly mediocre to read but a new one all the same. Thank you if you read this mess of a blog post. I have no idea what I'm doing but we're rolling with it. 

A Video by Dodie Clark

I hadn't planned to post today but after watching Dodie's most recent Vedim video I decided I would. (The video is called My Brain (tour diary) and you can see it by clicking here.) Dodie has always been a YouTuber I look up to for many different reasons which became quite clear in this video. It's been a long time, in my opinion, since someone on YouTube has been so honest and  forward about a situation. A lot of what I'm going to say may not make sense if you don't watch the video. It's about twenty minutes long but I'd say it is worth those minutes. 

So...

  It's been a tough past month... scratch that, lets say year. (Maybe lifetime... that's not important). In my head there are two types of depressed people. Those who suffer trauma in life. They can have therapy and one day be cured. Others who are born with depression waiting to hit. Me,well, I'm the latter. The one with no real reason to be sad. The one with the 'perfect' life.

I've spent a long time wishing to be someone else. Anyone really. The popular, selfie taking, too much make up wearing kind of girl. Or the outcast who's not afraid to be different. The goth with black hair, thick eyeliner and an unhealthy obsession with My Chemical Romance (pause for sad fans to wipe their tears). Literally anyone but myself. I wish people would stop telling me to love myself. I wish the endless quotes of “you're perfect” and “embrace being different” would stop. Why can't you see that I can't? I could never love me. You don't have that emotion, you teach it. Now, I've been doing a fairly good job of teaching myself maths and history but I can't do this. But why? Why am I the screw up? The train wreck of the family or friendship group. I've lost everything (despite seeming so...whole on the outside) and I've fallen so many times. It hurts to be alive. It hurts to see this body, think these thoughts, hear this voice that I've hated, always. They don't change like the world around me does. So why am I expected to learn to love all of that? Why do I have to tolerate all of these things and embrace them as if it's something I'm proud of? I case you haven't noticed, I'm not.

I don't love myself, I tolerate myself. I go through the day scared of what will be in the seconds that follow. Taking each breathe as if it's my last. And wishing it to be. I don't want to die. No, the idea of death confuses and scares me for many reasons (I think I've watched to much Supernatural and now I just think no one's ever really dead. You can imagine the shock I got when Cory Monteith never came back to Glee). But living is unbearable. Honestly I have a fear. A fear of being in any kind of pain. It keeps me from dying but it keeps me from living too. So no, I won't kill myself. But I will spend every day wishing I could.

Recently I've been reading the book How To Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran and it's inspired me. I thought maybe it would change everything... and you never know, it might. But I think it's time I killed this Erin and built myself a new girl. Only trouble is, I just don't know how. How do you make you're self confident (and please let me stop you before you tell me “fake it till you make it” because I do not need to hear that broken record) and how do you brake away from this person that has been you for so long? If you were looking for the answer to this question, sorry, maybe try a Google search.

So I'm sorry I've been gone. And I'm sorry that when I have been here, it's a little disconnected. But I've been stuck... feeling hopeless and lonely until it became too much to handle. I've been crying and hurting over this sense of self hatred and regret so much that I couldn't just be okay for two seconds. And I couldn't kill myself so it felt like no one cared. Like I would only truly be heard if I did. I guess that's why so many people are accused of attention seeking, because for me it partly would be. As bad as that sounds, it's true. How do I build a new girl? How do I live in a world that won't let me? And how do I go on when this is my forever?

Depression- A Tumblr Post

I have not been good at posting recently. I missed about three opportunities in the past two weeks when I could have written but I just didn't. I don't know why. Today I won't be writing anything too big I just wanted share with you a post I found on Tumblr a few days ago about depression. 

Depression- My questions

For a long time I knew I had something wrong with me but I never told anyone so a lot of the questions I had couldn't be answered. I thought today I would write about a few of the things that worried me which I think would have helped if I'd known the answers to. Of course depression is different for everyone so answers can change. Here we go:

Depression- The songs

I've been wanting to write about depression but felt that I didn't want to just give advice or tell a story so today I've going to tell you about the songs I listen to which I find comforting. Of course all these songs are completely just my personal preference as everyone's depression and coping strategies are different. The titles are links to each song if you'd like to listen, so here we go: