A Video by Dodie Clark

I hadn't planned to post today but after watching Dodie's most recent Vedim video I decided I would. (The video is called My Brain (tour diary) and you can see it by clicking here.) Dodie has always been a YouTuber I look up to for many different reasons which became quite clear in this video. It's been a long time, in my opinion, since someone on YouTube has been so honest and  forward about a situation. A lot of what I'm going to say may not make sense if you don't watch the video. It's about twenty minutes long but I'd say it is worth those minutes. 

If you've read my blog before then it is likely that you'll know I've been struggling with depression for a long time now, and you'll probably be thinking is she really going to talk about this again? Well yes , yes I am. It is something that never stops negatively affecting my life along with my constant anxiety. And the way Dodie talked about it, using a lot of metaphors, really helped me to see things a little clearer. I've always found it difficult to understand emotions (other peoples and my own) and put them into words, now I feel I'm one tiny step closer to that. 

This may sound a little crazy but stay with me. It's like I'm in a room surrounded by windows and in front of me is another room full of people. My family are there, old friends, current "friends", people I've never met. And they're all going about their own business. Living their own lives. Everyone can see me and hear me but no ones mentioning the fact I'm in another room. And if someone does , they back away like some how the glass between us hurts their eyes. No one wants to talk about or admit that I'm in the other room. They're trying to pretend that everything is normal but we can all see that I'm not really there.

So that's how it feels. The isolation of being so close to these people and yet still so far away. Yesterday I spoke to a friend of mine. Although I don't know if I can call her a friend again but I'd like to. Talking to her felt good because no one else (expect my therapist) asks me questions about depression and anxiety. Which I always thought would be a good thing but in reality it's lonely. I told her that I had a great previous week but felt like now I was going back to the regular negative emotions. But what confused me was how easily I said it. There have only been two friends in my life where it felt as if I could say anything at all without being judged. Looking back on that now, I'd say I was lucky but those people aren't my friends anymore. 

 I'm not completely sure where this was going. I guess I just wanted to ramble. Dodie will never read this but if I could thank her now I would  (also I'd thank Jack Howard, won't go into it now but I genuinely believe I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him). I'm not sure if this post was meant to be positive or not. I suppose not because there's no inspirational quote at the end. But I do know that Dodie made a video which  affected me and made me feel like there is something within life that is worth living for. I guess now I just have to find it.