September Sunsets and My School Experience

Yesterday was just so great. I saw three friends of mine. Two of which I had lost touch with and not seen for a year. I'd like to talk about my thoughts on the day. How it made me super happy but also confused and kind of sad. But to do that, I'll need to explain a little more so first lets talk about my experience with school.

I started at school 1 in Year 7 when I was eleven and spent my first year of high school there. It was a really nice place and when the year ended, I was perfectly happy to go back after summer. But over that summer I began to have panic attacks and, in the end, couldn't leave the house. So when Year 8 started, I stayed home. I got help from a few different places and eventually I could leave my house without crying uncontrollably but I still didn't feel I could go into school. Every morning my parents would drive me there and we'd sit outside for a while or some days we didn't make it all the way there. Looking back, doing that every morning was not helpful to anyone. 

Around halfway through Year 8 a Maths and an English tutor started coming round every week. I had already been doing school work but it was good to have someone actually teach you instead. And I then went to school 2. School 2 is a class of around 10 students who are all from different schools they're trying to get back into. It was a very awkward place for me but I did find that it helped. 

I went there until about half way through Year 9. Gradually I built up the time I spent in school 1 till I was always there instead of school 2. Going back was difficult but at the time, I had to. Then on the last day of summer before Year 10 I explained that I couldn't go back for the next year. I finally told people that I have depression and that going back was going to make that worse. So I didn't. I spent the majority of the year working from home until about a month before summer, I went back to school 2. It was very different this time and there is now the option to stay until the end of Year 11. And that's what I decided to do.

This is where yesterday comes into it. I know that I should stay at school 2 and finish my last year of high school. I know that I don't need the stress of trying to get back into mainstream school on top of the stress of GCSEs. I know that I will get better results if I stay in school 2. But seeing my friends yesterday really confused that logic. Depression, for me, gets worse for various reasons but the main reason is friendships. Honestly, I don't have a lot of friends and the ones I do have I don't see very often. Going back to school 1 would mean I could have a chance at having friends again. At the moment I'm just tired of feeling lonely and I always look back thinking that if I'd just gone back in Year 10 everything would have worked out. But it's too late for that now.

When I went back to school in Year 9, I had five pretty amazing friends. We weren't the closest group in the world but they really looked after me and took me in even though I'd missed out on so much. I think yesterday reminded of how great they are, individually and collectively (although it was only three of them). Throughout everything, I always felt bad for being... needy I guess. I didn't like to be left alone, they worried because I didn't eat, I often had spontaneous panic attacks. But they were still there and seeing them after a year felt just the same as it did back then. Part of me is confident I've made the right decision to stay at school 2. I have made a friend (I think. I wouldn't ask her that she might not agree and that would be embarrassing. We talk sometimes is probably a better explanation) so it's not completely lonely. On the other hand, I miss being with these three and if I'm not at school with them then it doesn't feel like we can be friends. I won't ever see them and they have all these memories and inside jokes. It does make me sad. But at least I was there for the September sunset and not falling off the roof.

Sorry this was a bit of a talky post and it might not make much sense. I'd like to say thank you for the great response to Dealing with Anxiety in School it means a lot and I hope you found it helpful. I'd like to mention that September sunsets was Holly's idea just incase she ever finds this blog and thinks I stole it. That's all for now, hope to see you next time. Bye