It's been a tough past month...
scratch that, lets say year. (Maybe lifetime... that's not
important). In my head there are two types of depressed people. Those
who suffer trauma in life. They can have therapy and one day be
cured. Others who are born with depression waiting to hit. Me,well,
I'm the latter. The one with no real reason to be sad. The one with
the 'perfect' life.
I've spent a long time wishing to be
someone else. Anyone really. The popular, selfie taking, too much
make up wearing kind of girl. Or the outcast who's not afraid to be
different. The goth with black hair, thick eyeliner and an unhealthy
obsession with My Chemical Romance (pause for sad fans to wipe their
tears). Literally anyone but myself. I wish people would stop telling
me to love myself. I wish the endless quotes of “you're perfect”
and “embrace being different” would stop. Why can't you see that
I can't? I could never love me. You don't have that emotion, you
teach it. Now, I've been doing a fairly good job of teaching myself
maths and history but I can't do this. But why? Why am I the screw
up? The train wreck of the family or friendship group. I've lost
everything (despite seeming so...whole on the outside) and I've
fallen so many times. It hurts to be alive. It hurts to see this
body, think these thoughts, hear this voice that I've hated, always.
They don't change like the world around me does. So why am I expected
to learn to love all of that? Why do I have to tolerate all of these
things and embrace them as if it's something I'm proud of? I case you
haven't noticed, I'm not.
I don't love myself, I tolerate
myself. I go through the day scared of what will be in the seconds
that follow. Taking each breathe as if it's my last. And wishing it
to be. I don't want to die. No, the idea of death confuses and scares
me for many reasons (I think I've watched to much Supernatural and
now I just think no one's ever really dead. You can imagine the shock
I got when Cory Monteith never came back to Glee). But living is
unbearable. Honestly I have a fear. A fear of being in any kind of
pain. It keeps me from dying but it keeps me from living too. So no,
I won't kill myself. But I will spend every day wishing I could.
Recently I've been reading the book
How To Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran and it's inspired me. I thought
maybe it would change everything... and you never know, it might. But
I think it's time I killed this Erin and built myself a new girl.
Only trouble is, I just don't know how. How do you make you're self
confident (and please let me stop you before you tell me “fake it
till you make it” because I do not need to hear that broken record)
and how do you brake away from this person that has been you for so
long? If you were looking for the answer to this question, sorry,
maybe try a Google search.
So I'm sorry I've been gone. And I'm
sorry that when I have been here, it's a little disconnected. But
I've been stuck... feeling hopeless and lonely until it became too
much to handle. I've been crying and hurting over this sense of self
hatred and regret so much that I couldn't just be okay for two
seconds. And I couldn't kill myself so it felt like no one cared.
Like I would only truly be heard if I did. I guess that's why so many
people are accused of attention seeking, because for me it partly
would be. As bad as that sounds, it's true. How do I build a new
girl? How do I live in a world that won't let me? And how do I go on
when this is my forever?
True questions to find out. I always see t as a learning curve. But that may not matter. The only soul loving thing ive put trust in, is allowing myself for others to hep me. It allowdd my crying nights and days to stop, even for shot times. I suffered with deprwssion, that no one would truly know. However, thee is a place called the Big White Wall, where you an draw and express your true feelings and emotion. And people really do help. Whether professional or someone who has been through it. Trust me, it helped in hard times. Plus, the counsellor I saw recommended it, thank goodness really. Hope you will free to share your emotions, never feel alone in this. Never. You'll find your answers, as told 'it's like you just need to be put back on the right path'. I see t as a blur image, in front of the clear answer. And it does takes time, but I'm still here, if you get what I mean. Others don't 'make it' in this life, but we have to try each day, even if people don't understand or do. Big comment over - I have to check through my mistakes on this one *smile*. Truly take care, and feel free to chat to anyone or, blurt out whatever emotions go on in your blog, tour own little blog...? Take care. And im not one to say cheer up and smile. Because that feels like a lot of effort, not going to lie. Take the problem within, and 'splatter it' on a piece of paper. Metaphor for, look at the problem, and work throughthem bit by bit. Improve, to gain beter understanding. I only wish I could sum this up. But, therea different emotions to dealing with things nowadays. Find your own way, and all the solutions are there to just choose when your ready. Never rush truly. It can work.
ReplyDeleteThank you :D Comments mean so much to me x
DeleteHello, I'm not going to tell you how you should feel or what you should think. I've gone through this before and I have times when I get like this and it sucks. For me it helped to do something new and different. That's why I started my blog, it gave me focus and a way to vent to the world, through that I found a purpose. Please know that what your feeling might go in the future, it takes time. I know it did for me. If you ever want someone to talk to please talk to me, email me or whatever. I know it can feel like your alone but there are people out there who care and want to help. As hard as it might seem, use this blog to write down everything you feel. You don't need to publish it but I know for me it helped a lot. its a way of trying to get rid of one worry or problem and it might help. Never feel alone this world, know that there are people who love and care about you.
ReplyDeleteLove chloe x
Thank you so much, I definitely do think I'll start to talk more like this on my blog now. Before it felt like I was being annoying and stupid if I posted something like this but it really did help x
DeleteOnly just read this... but expressing your feelings can help SO much. Like the other posts said, writing down your feelings can really help, but you could also talk things through with a doctor or a counsellor. When I was at my lowest talking to a professional was the last thing I wanted to do, but in the long term it's made me much better and made me realise that I'm so much stronger than I thought I was.
ReplyDeletex
Thank you, comments mean a lot to me. And you're right, talking to someone is the best thing to do. I haven't for a while now but when I get to it's like everything feels so much better. I have definitely come to realise in the past few weeks that I'm stronger than I thought and that's a pretty nice feeling x
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