London 2015

I have been awful at posting recently for many different reasons. But I'm not going to go into that now because I would much rather talk about London.

March Favourites

Honestly March wasn't a good month for me. I didn't post on here much for many different reasons. As you may know from my previous post, my mental health hasn't been so great recently so I just didn't feel like I could write anything. And there were times when I was genuinely busy (I like went outside and stuff). A few days I'd planned on posting but got suddenly very scared that someone I know will find my blog and I couldn't do it. But I got here in the end and this is my, kind of late, March Favourites.

So...

  It's been a tough past month... scratch that, lets say year. (Maybe lifetime... that's not important). In my head there are two types of depressed people. Those who suffer trauma in life. They can have therapy and one day be cured. Others who are born with depression waiting to hit. Me,well, I'm the latter. The one with no real reason to be sad. The one with the 'perfect' life.

I've spent a long time wishing to be someone else. Anyone really. The popular, selfie taking, too much make up wearing kind of girl. Or the outcast who's not afraid to be different. The goth with black hair, thick eyeliner and an unhealthy obsession with My Chemical Romance (pause for sad fans to wipe their tears). Literally anyone but myself. I wish people would stop telling me to love myself. I wish the endless quotes of “you're perfect” and “embrace being different” would stop. Why can't you see that I can't? I could never love me. You don't have that emotion, you teach it. Now, I've been doing a fairly good job of teaching myself maths and history but I can't do this. But why? Why am I the screw up? The train wreck of the family or friendship group. I've lost everything (despite seeming so...whole on the outside) and I've fallen so many times. It hurts to be alive. It hurts to see this body, think these thoughts, hear this voice that I've hated, always. They don't change like the world around me does. So why am I expected to learn to love all of that? Why do I have to tolerate all of these things and embrace them as if it's something I'm proud of? I case you haven't noticed, I'm not.

I don't love myself, I tolerate myself. I go through the day scared of what will be in the seconds that follow. Taking each breathe as if it's my last. And wishing it to be. I don't want to die. No, the idea of death confuses and scares me for many reasons (I think I've watched to much Supernatural and now I just think no one's ever really dead. You can imagine the shock I got when Cory Monteith never came back to Glee). But living is unbearable. Honestly I have a fear. A fear of being in any kind of pain. It keeps me from dying but it keeps me from living too. So no, I won't kill myself. But I will spend every day wishing I could.

Recently I've been reading the book How To Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran and it's inspired me. I thought maybe it would change everything... and you never know, it might. But I think it's time I killed this Erin and built myself a new girl. Only trouble is, I just don't know how. How do you make you're self confident (and please let me stop you before you tell me “fake it till you make it” because I do not need to hear that broken record) and how do you brake away from this person that has been you for so long? If you were looking for the answer to this question, sorry, maybe try a Google search.

So I'm sorry I've been gone. And I'm sorry that when I have been here, it's a little disconnected. But I've been stuck... feeling hopeless and lonely until it became too much to handle. I've been crying and hurting over this sense of self hatred and regret so much that I couldn't just be okay for two seconds. And I couldn't kill myself so it felt like no one cared. Like I would only truly be heard if I did. I guess that's why so many people are accused of attention seeking, because for me it partly would be. As bad as that sounds, it's true. How do I build a new girl? How do I live in a world that won't let me? And how do I go on when this is my forever?